"_________?"

put me through a struggle
and make me suffer,
only then you would see
if i'd die or live.

i do not own anyone,
and that includes you dear.
your life is your own,
and it is you who lives it dear.
the choice is yours to be made,
and insignificant am i in making it dear.

then i asked myself, "___________?"
i answered, "___________________________."

excerpt from the 7th discourse from Futuh Al-Ghaib.

....Thus he was trained to practice praying for forgiveness, because that is the best state for a servant, and constant repentance, because this involves acknowledgment of sin and shortcoming–properties of human nature inherited from Adam (peace be upon him), the father of mankind.

...."Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You do not forgive us, and have mercy on us, we shall surely be among the lost!" (7:23).

Sabree: our clothes were white and pure, glistening under the light of the sun. But now there are stains.

we all are stained.

but with time, surely the dirt and grim would fade off, as long as we don't roll around in the dirt anymore.

the pak guards that work for my immune system.

they take care of me.
they halt and destroy those that infiltrate my fort.
anything that does not belong to me,
they would recognise and start the inevitable destruction of these intruders.

they are strong. but most importantly, they respond fast.

but, if they fall sick and they are weakened,
their response become slow.
it is like playing tag with the slowest people being 'it'.
you can just out run them while they try and catch you.

Intruders run wild
and cause much damage.

i would be in trouble.

what i got from this was, being strong is not really the big deal, it is about being fast and being efficient while doing anything.

i am slow in some aspects, trusting the saying, 'slow and steady wins the race'. i guess, speeding up won't hurt.

oh my Lord,
i feel like a child,
doing the wrongs and doing the right.
anxious and frantic is my heart,
without understanding it, i decide.

Some moments one get so blur, and imagination flies out infinitely to space, without a thought in mind, how can i progress?

with my blank stares, i feel like an autistic child, my focus always spilling over the rim, how can i progress?

people complain of a mind full of thoughts,
can i complain of a mind eager for concentrated thought?

sit down. bit by bit. you will manage my friend.

&

76779.

to all.

for my troubles.

for your worries.

i enjoyed my stay.

but forgive my inadequacy.

lewat sudha ni. jam 6.03 pagi. saya tau ada dikalangan kamu sudha sedar. subuh kan? sudha?

mentari tidak lama lagi terbit tuh. mesti cantik kan kalau tengok?

sejuk sedap kalau duduk kat luar. mari. ada melodi merdu burungan yang awal. jum dengar.

kabus menipis. hangat terasa. akhiran pagi. masuk kembali. jum sedia sarapan.

tamat.

your string

o dear blue balloon,
let me hang on to your string,
take me with you.
ignore the words of navigators
and let the breeze do what navigators do.
o dear blue balloon,
i may brush a tree top or two
or get cuts and bruises from the things i bump into,
but i will not let go of you.
nothing is this pain
compared to the wonders we have yet to discover.
i trust you blue balloon.
take me with you.
let me hang on to your string.
i will not let go.